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The Day I Stopped Believing In Myself

We’ve all felt broken and disappointed at some point in our lives. Sometimes we get back up and move on and there are also times that we’re too shattered that we need some time to reflect and rest our minds. I myself have experienced a lot of heartbreaks, not necessarily about romance, but heartbreaks from failures in life. During these hard days, I always tell myself, “You can do this Doana, I know you can and I know you will. You’ll get through all these obstacles. You just need to remain patient and blessings will overflow soon”. I did. Whenever I fail at something, I weep then move on because I know that I will be successful really soon. But this time is different. Let me tell you a story first.

Before we went here to Canada, I spent all my life in the Philippines. During my elementary and early high school days, you could say that I was brilliant. I was always part of the top students in our class. My sister and I took this achievement very seriously since our family, including our relatives, were smart (I’m not bragging, it is the truth). When I reached 3rd and 4th year of high school, that was when I started to crumble. I remember getting kicked off the top 10 list. I also remember failing a class during my 4th year in high school. The misfortune didn’t stop there. When I reached college, I was glad I was accepted to my program of choice – Bachelor of Science in Architecture. But let me tell you something, ARCHITECTURE IS HARD. All programs are. During my first year, I failed 3 courses. That was also when we were bound to migrate to Canada. So I told myself, moving there is a chance to start again. BUT I WAS WRONG.

When we got here, I had to repeat high school all over again. Even though I was a little bit advanced since I already took a year of college in the Philippines, I struggled. I had that mindset where I always say to myself that I’m not supposed to be here. I already graduated from high school. I need to be at a university now. That kind of thinking affected my performance. My grades slipped so hard that I had to retake some classes after graduating from high school the second time around. Then finally, it was time to apply to college. I originally wanted to apply to a university but since my grades weren’t “university-worthy” I decided to apply to a school that would accept my transcript. I thought applying would be easy. AGAIN I WAS WRONG.  I was one of those people who struggled to get in while some were accepted so fast just like a breeze. I decided to apply for Architectural Technology since Architecture was my program of choice. I didn’t get accepted into the program that’s why I took Open Studies for it first. During the term, the guy from student center, where they help you with your application and all that jazz told me to upgrade the high school courses that I need (YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. UPGRADE EVERYTHING AGAIN AFTER I ALREADY DID) in order to get a higher chance in getting into Architectural Technology. So I did. Again, I struggled but I passed the courses and actually got a higher grade. I applied for Architectural Technology again and yes, you guessed that right, I got rejected. AGAIN. I told myself I can’t afford to wait for another whole year to apply and possibly get rejected again for the third time. That is why I decided to apply to a different program. I had limited options. After deliberating with myself, I decided to apply to my third choice, which is Digital Media and IT, and to the Business Administration program for back up. I got accepted so fast for Business Administration but I didn’t like the program that’s why I didn’t enroll. Applying to DMIT had put me to a lot of struggles. I got rejected so many times for DMIT. I thought maybe I need to apply for another stream since DMIT caters 9 fields related to the program. So I decided to apply for Computer Software Development (it was called Application Development before) because I thought that making apps was cool. I had no background in Information Technology but FINALLY, they accepted me and FINALLY, I was in a program.

Being in DMIT was a struggle. Even though I was a little impressed with myself since I had zero experience when I started, keeping up was really hard. I had no idea that the stream I got in to was a difficult stream. I failed 2 courses but took them again and managed to boost my grade up. I’m currently in my second year. I know what you’re thinking. Finally, this girl is done. Well, I thought so too but no. There is a big chance that I might stay behind for one semester in September. I found out that I failed the course that I need to take this core course for me to graduate. Adding to that, I already knew that I was failing another course as well. So besides the possibility of me not graduating in May, I might be issued an academic warning as well. YEAH.

I don’t know where my fate is headed yet. I might graduate in May and I might also not. The thing is I’m not mad because I failed the course that I needed. Of course, I was upset but I’m mad because, after all the failures that I’ve experienced, I’m still here and not successful. I have a lot of goals and dreams and here I am still figuring out my life. I’m mad because I failed myself. I’m mad because I feel like I haven’t done enough to start reaching my goals. I am broken right now and I don’t blame anybody but myself. I know I will still reach my goals but with all that has happened to me, I lost trust in myself already.

Cluttered Thoughts

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